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Love happens. We do not intentionally fall in love. Yet, when it comes, it takes over the whole being.We only want to be with that person. We want to be touched with passion, kissed, caressed, adored, wanted, needed, indispensable. In essence, love creates in us a need to be alive for someone other than only us.
It gives reason to live other than performing , studying, working , getting marks or making money. Love allows us to be, as distinct from doing. It allows us TO BE as distinct from TO BE SOMETHING . We can just feel joy in ourselves as we feel our inner soul. It makes us feel as if we are accepted even if we are nothing more than who we are.
Love overwhelms because of the support it offers in a world where we feel alone , otherwise. Suddenly, there is someone who understands, who respects, who cares, acknowledges, who finds being with us fun.
Love happened first in my life when I was 16. Till 15, I used to be a fat, ugly, clumsy girl who was good in studies but could not play any sports, who sang badly , wore specks and did not talk much. My mother used to scold me the whole day that I had no friends , that i did not play, that i was only reading novels all the time, that I liked watching TV that I messed up and dirtied the house, that I did no housework properly etc. etc. At 16, I lost weight and I got a haircut. Suddenly, people started finding me pretty. I could not play sports but I could go on picnics and I could dance, laugh, sympathize, offer an understanding shoulder.
But, my mom was the same and I felt non-understood all the time. Then , a man fell in love with me or so he claimed. He flattered me a lot , and was completely opposite my mom. I suddenly started feeling understood and cared for.
He used to stay in a different city and we could not met more than once an year for more than 3 days maybe.We used to write long letters to each other those days , pouring out our heart. My letters were mostly cribbing that I wanted to be rescued. His were that he felt non acknowledged by the world and he wanted to prove himself. There was sharing of pain and there was passion.
There was hope that life would be wonderful if I could marry him. I did not think that he was not settled financially, that he had left his studies, that their family business was on his shoulders but everybody cribbed that he was irresponsible.
Though, when I met him for more than 3 days, we used to fight . I used to feel that he did not understand actually as he said he did . He was absorbed with his friends , liquor, partying and rarely found me interesting company alone. But, he praised me in his company and nobody else praised me like that. So, I used to feel that maybe he does care. I was always a loyal person and it was terrible cos we used to stay far. My parents found out and they were furious with me. There was more scolding than ever before. I had to almost run from my house if I had to meet him , and hear abuses the whole year because I met him.
Anyway, hope was alive. My parents were very angry with me when I decided to marry him. They thought I should do post graduation since I had performed well in graduation in economics honours. But, I wanted to escape from them. I wanted to work but my father was against that as he wanted me to study. Anyway, my mother thought that I should get married than them getting defamed because I had an affair. My father always listened to her.
So, amidst much disapproval, I married him. Suddenly, he changed after marriage as his family got involved. He wanted monetary help as his family business was in problems. He did not ask for dowry but all the money that we received in the wedding was spent on him. In one week of marriage , I had realized that I was in a worse situation than in my house. There were his friends demanding parties, him fighting in the house, a joint family, his parents cribbing and not letting me do any work in the house. They wanted him to take me and go abroad, leaving the family business to his younger brother.Suddenly, my own family started appearing more loving and welcoming.
He went abroad. I came back to my parents house. My mother expected me to leave soon but he did not get a family visa. he used to send me money in the first year of his earning and I was thrilled because I had money for the first time In my life. I finished my post graduation in fashion designing but he said that I should learn typing as being a secretary was a good job in the gulf. I did start learning shorthand though my parents held that I should do MA in economics. In all that conflict, he called me finally , on a visiting visa. I thought I could stay with him but he did not have a regular house or a family visa. I did not find a suitable job probably because I preferred waiting for him, being with him and cooking for him than being a salesgirl. That four months is the only good period I remember with him, at the end of which I got pregnant.
I came back to India but he stopped sending money as he said he was saving. I had no money in my pregnancy and my mother cribbed about the medical bills. Then, my son was born with a forceps delivery.
He had a wound in his head and demanded attention. I got completely absorbed in him. My mother was even more angry because I did not work as she used to , for a living. And, she kept cribbing that I had no qualification as I was not an MA, as she was. My husband did not call me as he did not get a family visa. When I pestered a lot, he said I wanted to be abroad and use him to go abroad. That was after he had stayed with my mom for a month during childbirth and heard all her opinions about me.
Suddenly, my mom was cribbing and my husband was cribbing that I was a burden. How energies multiply with focus ! I was focused on my mother's abuse and my husband became another her.
Well, seven years later, we divorced. My son was found autistic and his treatment was very expensive. The financial problems kept increasing . My parents kept supporting and kept cribbing. Then, mu mom came and stayed with us in our house abroad and felt severely insulted by my husband who was doing financially okay by then. He was insulting to me all the time and to my son also. But, he abused my parents for spoiling me. He had started having affairs and he wanted divorce. Sex had died between us after my son was born. I tried to approach but he never found me interesting. I didn't want to go back to my mother's house. But, he harassed my parents to call me back saying that they had thrown their burden on him.Physical beatings started for every small argument. whereas earlier he used to make big claims that it was wrong to beat women. he said I made him beat me but I know I did not understand why he said that because he barely gave me money. He gave once a month for house expenses and I never asked him more cos he cribbed so much. He thought he was rich but I never felt abundant as my father used to pay me pocket money for my few personal needs. Money was always less for my son's therapy but he spent on partying and gifts for his family.I was completely torn apart and disillusioned. Once he agreed for a monthly maintenance for my son's therapy, I agreed for a mutual consent divorce.
I came back and took up a separate house which my parents found next to their house. I started learning hypnotherapy, past life therapy, Reiki etc. in the hope that it would heal my son. The doctors kept saying that autism is incurable. My day and night went in his therapy and trying to heal him somehow. I had some money which went in my spiritual courses and I started taking clients. The little that I earned from my clients got reinvested in more courses because healing needed was in depth and I wanted strong foundations.We had to take help from my parents financially again as my husband's alimony was not enough. My son's therapy was also very expensive and everybody was keen that he gets well. My mother was very worried because she thought I would make him like me. My parents were keen on taking up as much therapy as could be. But, improvement was very slow. They only spent money but did not give him the environment he needed to heal therapeutically. We had constant arguments and I felt I was failing in helping him because I did not have money to shift away from my parents and no husband to support me. He could not learn to speak or write independently, and money just kept getting invested.
Then, my second husband came about. There was something supernatural in all this. My first marriage started breaking after I visited Sairam of Puttaparthi for my son. In the Bangalore camp, I did not see the man in photos. I saw a golden alien with a bright halo of light around his head who kept looking at me and my son. I thought that everyone in the camp thought that Baba was looking at them individually , but over time and several coincidences made me realize there was soul connection.When my second husband walked into my house the first time, I saw the same halo of light around his head. After that, I never saw it again though but he spoke very spiritually.
It was a soul attachment which I did not know existed then. The second marriage brought in hopes of happiness again. My husband again flattered me when my family thought I was nuts.Passion was intense and he seemed to love and accept my son. But, overtime, I realized that he was not always the same. He was more in love with my body than my soul. Also, he became very insulting to my son and was very upset that I spent so much money on his treatment. Since, we lived in the house next to my parents, my mother cribbed a lot to him about my shortcomings. He did not abuse me directly but he took it out on my son. We shifted after two years of marriage to another city. So, I lost the house I used to take clients in. there were severe financial problems again. In three years, he asked me to choose between him and my son. He wanted me to send my son to my first husband. I refused. The marriage broke.
The coincidence was that Sai Ram of Puttaparthi died in the same month as my second marriage broke . I had no idea that he was sick till I saw the internet news that he had died. I was surprised. I had felt that my son was going up to become purified. I could sense a leaving of a golden light at the moment he died and I went with my son's soul because I could not let him go alone. We moved for three days as if we were in Shiv's eternal fire and I kept chanting Buddham Sharnam Gacchamiwhich I never have before that moment or after that moment.I went with my son into a golden ring in a spiral of light and he said that he would come back with me when the time was right. But, I cried a lot that night because there was a death experience at the feeling level.
In my personal life, I was again shattered. My family again were proved right that the man would ditch me. When I came back this time, there was no separate house . Difficulties were more but I had to evolve above them as crying did not solve any problem. There was no choice but to smile in acceptance of the IS and force myself to deliberately create peace in me to stay sane.
Love, promises, passion, hope, understanding all vanished. The only reason I still hoped is because I started meditating a lot. I wrote three books on the basis of my intense studying of behaviour analysis and spirituality in order to help my son. I had done a course in teaching English for non natives to teach in Muscat. Then, after my son's diagnosis, I was advised to do courses on training myself as a special educator in autism. I had to train myself or it wasn't possible to help him heal. But, just a psychological analysis was not enough.I had to understand why his soul had planned such a difficult life and how to convince it to heal. Then, I did around thirty courses in life between life therapies, spirit and soul healing over a period of three years. It was difficult to get out of love. A process which helped me a lot is ENERGY CORD cutting, which is given in my books IN SEARCH OF HAPPINESS and REDEFINING HAPPINESS.
As I found me peace, my family became supportive in their own way . There was no more conflict of issues as my ex husband took my autistic son with him. My daughter was normal and a delight to grandparents. I missed my son and hence, I
meditated even more to help him heal and be at peace myself.
I don't think I could ever have been happy again or in peace as I am now if I did not use these self healing techniques. I also helped several other people heal from relationship issues, low confidence, concentration problems, asthma, depression , spondilities etc. In three years, I did around 500 sessions of past life therapy and spirit release. I write books because I wanted the therapies and awareness to spread. I also wanted the education system to change as I found it obsolete in dealing with the emotional or professional demands of adult lives. My son' s therapeutic courses and training made me study education processes in detail and their efficacy was constantly in question
As I healed myself from emotional pain,I threw away all old pictures and all old memories.
I learned several healing modalities in my zeal to heal my son but in the process I realized I could several other people most effectively. I discovered that my core skill lay in healing and training as I was acutely sensitive to emotional upheavels. I could help several people heal various kind of emotional and physical problems and thus find my soul mission.