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Dear friends we will discuss about judgment and guilt in our intimate relationships. Relationships are ground where we not only experience joy, happiness, oneness, intimacy etc , but also where we confront hurts, sadness ,anger , disconnection most .Relationship is the only platform which brings our deepest realities on surface. In difficult situations we commonly resort to anger ,blaming ,judgment or dissconnetion to control our partner.
One strategy that we often use is judgment " You are wrong . You should not have done this ,, you should do things like this........." .
When we use judgment ,we form fixed opinions about what other has to do or act like . We have some believes which we project out as universal truths . We try to subconsciously impress other that he has committed a big mistake. This is to ashame and genrate guilt in our partner .
Often in this state we make ourself feel miserable and hold the other resposible for it "It is only because of you that I am suffering." Silently and deep within we feel other is responsible for our suffering and need to be punished in some way .
We try to induce fear and insecurity in our partner if they do-not agree to our view point .
So we become judgemental ,miserable and try to induce insecurity in others to change them . This makes them feel ashamed and guilty .
How to transform our judgmental aspect?
First let's acknowledge and accept whenever we are feeling judgmental . "In this moment I am judgmental. I feel miserable and want to make others feel guilty ."
Accept this lovingly and without trying to change it .
Next talk to your judgemental part as you talk to your friend . "I know you are there as my judgemental part but please calm down, allow me to help you. I will look into whole matter objectively."
You will be surpirsed talking like this can calm your judgemental aspect . It allows you to seperate and unblend form it .
Then ask you judgemental part "What do you want? What will happen if you donot behave like this ."
This may bring up hurts, feeling of betrayal, neglect etc. These are like our hidden or exile parts.
Just lovingly acknowledge them.
As we lovingly accept our exiled parts they transform and we drop into our core.
If we are trapped in feeling guilty and ashamed for some reason ,then lovingly ackonwledge it. Then offer your full acceptance to the part feeling guilty .
I find a special ritual very useful for guilt . It is called Circle of Wisdom.
We come in a group of people who are ready to unconditionally accept us and patiently listens to our realities . In this circle we come out with what ashamed us and everyone lovingly and acceptingly hears. This transforms our guilt and shame
Let me end with a prayer by Fritz Pearl founder of gestalt therapy -
I am I and you are you ,
In this world I am here to do my work, and you are to do yours ,
And if by any chance we meet ,It is beautiful .
I am not to change you ,and niether are you to change me.