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“Myths about love that could be crippling your relationships.”
There are 7 strong myths… and today we will cover one of them.
If what follows assists you through something that you are going through at present – then I am pleased I wrote it and that it reached you at this precise time.
Myth #1: When my prince/princess comes, then we will live “happily ever after.”
This myth is the beautifully classic, mythological, ending to many children’s bed time stories. If only these stories stayed in our dreaming fantasy lands, but they do not… they stick with us well into our adult lives! Who does not remember the tale of Sleeping Beauty or Cinderella?
Most of us would not even need to check if we had remembered the stories correctly…. they are already indelibly printed into our minds. But does this make those stories true?
I rather like a fairy tale story I read just the other day, it made me smile and went like this…
“Once upon a time a man asked a woman to marry him. The woman said no!
And the man lived happily ever after drinking beer whenever he wanted to, fishing, driving motorcycles and farting whenever he felt like it! The end ! ”
Fantasy stories can go either way... it just depends on what we perceive as preferable. The hiccup comes, when our reality does not stand up to our fantasy of what we thought it would be like.
Of course, we all like happy endings (both kinds)… Even those of us that brush ‘that stuff’ off as total rubbish! <-and that is only those of us that have felt heartbreak enough to think and believe, that there really is no hope. Thank goodness that is just not true, either!
None of us would ever even attempt to have any kind of a relationship, with anyone, if we did not feel it could (maybe) all work out – in the end!
Why would we even try… if we really believed (deep down) that all relationships, and particularly romantic relationships, are doomed even before they've begun? None of us are really that masochistic! On some level… we all do believe in other people, and in ourselves!
So let’s look a little deeper at love myths vs. love in reality.
Here is what normally happens on this earthly plane ->
This is a true story - maybe yours… It’s definitely mine - In fact anyone who has had a relationship will relate with this:
So, one fine day we finally meet our prince/princess charming, and then (and this is the bit writers' keep out of books and most Hollywood movies) soon enough (some of us s l o w l y, some of us quickly. I pray for you that it is quick!)… we find ourselves suddenly feeling, contemplating, and thinking: “Hmmmm... I did so not predict this part of the story?”
Otherwise known as…. “I did not read this chapter in the fairy tale?”
Now this true story… does not even need to necessarily even involve another person.. We could perhaps have decided, for example, to commit to our “independence” (and this was my top, well-loved, fairy tale story by the way. So I can share this from first-hand knowledge) -> At first this "happily ever after myth" - in my case playing out as an “Independence fantasy”, or in your case it may be “perfect child fantasy” or “perfect wife fantasy” - is just great! No problems! All is good! It’s this great, problem free, good picture we have of how we will live truly (?) “Happily ever after”.
Usually our fantasy (our personal myth) is fabulous in our minds (but that is just in our minds). Then, reality wants to step in – it is very annoying!
So after a while, in my case, I started to actually feel rather lonely (no matter how many exciting cities I was travelling to all around the world and how many 1000s of friends I appeared to have). In your case you may have suddenly noticed your child does not want the same thing as you, or your wife/husband is not really into doing everything you want!
The crashing of our myth about love can be devastating. We realize we kind of got it wrong, and deep inside we know we have something to do with why it went a bit haywire. We are wise souls at heart.
For me, when my myth about what was the perfect love life (i.e. independence) collapsed … the loneliness I felt was just immense. It was a very surprising feeling... certainly not part of my ‘plan’, and certainly not something I had consciously felt before. But when it came, it came in floods and floods of tears. I thought the tears would never end – and I can tell you everyone in Frankfurt airport at the time, also thought my flood of tears would never end.
And then I just got it… the myth I had told myself as the route to happily ever after, was just not the way… and reality would be bound one day to get my attention enough… to let me know that! Reality tends to always love us that much, to slip us up if we need it…to have us see there IS another way!
I have never felt so thankful in all my life!
Of course I would, have preferred if it had not hurt quite so much (@crush my myth dot com), but oftentimes new shifts will or can be just that way.
Would you like to know if you have any ‘love myths’ / ‘love fantasies’ running in your life?
Before they reduce you to sobbing uncontrollable tears? If you have not gotten there already!
Here is a quick way to know ->
IF you have ever felt (or feel) “let down” by your partner, or child, or parent…. then you can know you have a ‘love myth’ running rampant through your deeper mind - and it will be cutting you and your relationships down at your knees!
It hurts because you have your version of what ‘happily ever after’ looks like dictating your life and your relationships. Vs. what really great relationships and real love story you can actually have! And you can experience all this, without even needing to re-cycle the partner you (maybe) already have. Very economic!
All that is being asked of you is to break free of this myth/this fantasy part of you, that you have had hidden (perhaps not so hidden to you now) playing out for you… for you to see, the option of possibly a better way! Certainly a more loving way for everyone (and of course that also includes, for you)!
Here is one real way to get out of any love myth/fantasy stories going on in your life at present ->
You could just be willing to learn more and more what it really takes to help love and relationships work, and grow.
And this (↑) for you, will more than likely will be very easy! And how do I know that? I know this because if it was not in your nature to be willing and able to very easily learn what it will ask you to face... then you would not have read this far into this blog today.
It’s a l o n g blog, and you could have stopped reading ages ago. Why didn’t you? Because you’re actually willing to help your relationships, you do really care, and you are ready to shift!
Here is something else I know about you: You are naturally genius, willing, and innately masterful! How do I know that? Come on - like you don't know that about you and I both - already!
If you are feeling a little lighter now in any way… you can know, for sure, this is true about you!
If not, then perhaps you are just not ready to be 100% willing yet, and that is OK. You will may well feel to, in time, perhaps as a result of your partner/daughter/father/friend maybe being willing to take a few steps first.
There is a saying in the field of psychology… it is a ‘technical’ and very 'serious' saying, and here it is (for you):
“Men have two favorite forms of personal growth:
The first is: ___________ (well you can likely imagine!)… and the second is when their partner’s take the first step forward for them.”
In closing this blog today, I would love to share another quote with you… it is one that touches me so deeply always. It was first said by His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and is relevant to what we are speaking about today:
“We can live without religion and mediation, but we cannot live without human affection.”
Relating and connecting with others is part of the very fabric and essence of our being. Good relationships are the foundation upon which our society is based, and upon which we all build our lives. Try to have any business without relating and without people! You cannot. None of us can or would live without connection, and affection shared, with other people!
Our human need for affection and connection is essential not only for our biology (and our reproduction) but also essential for our psychological and spiritual health. One reason for this is because ultimately we are not separate beings. On a deeper level we are all indelibly connected and therefore here to grow and learn from each other.
I wish you so much love, hope and blessings.
In New Delhi, India, Feb 10th 2014