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Life is not easy for the best of us. The adage ‘ignorance is bliss’ is lived out pretty much consistently until one day for some the eternal question hits you –
What do I do with my life?
Therein the ‘what’ has as many dimensions as does the’ life’ bit – in between there are only words filling the spaces which our ego plays out.
I was one of the ones for whom no structure outside of me ever seemed to fit – childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, career, marriage ,parenthood ,extended family obligations – while at one level I dealt with all of them in ways that pretty much seemed run of the mill, the challenges each of them presented almost on a daily basis seemed to suggest that the questions and issues they brought up are leading me on a search- but search for what I did not know.
Ever since I was 2 years old ,the only thing I ever wanted to achieve in my life was a happy family – 2 kids, 2 dogs, happy marriage- not much of an ambition, many would say, but having literally fought my way through to achieving it , it seemed like one hell of a goal to all get done by age 32. I was exhilarated but tired for the next two and a half years.
Gradually, I felt began to hear a small voice growing louder within me – ‘Now what?’
‘What did I really want to do with my life? Were the ordinary options enough ?
taking up just any old job, occupying my time just any old way, leaving my precious children for just anything that would satisfy a rather superficial need to be able to say” I am doing something worthwhile?
And who is it that decides what is worthwhile and what isn’t? The neighbours? The relatives? Peers? Market forces ?
Really , was there not a witness within me who was actually watching the whole show, ever so silently, so non-judgemental, yet so all-knowng? What could I say to that which would never abandon me, but merely smile in absolutely understanding if I were now dishonest with myself.
You see, my dilemma was different than those that just do not know what to do with their lives or do not wish to bother thinking about it.
I had known from infancy what to do and gone about doing it systematically .Having done it now I had to find the second part of what to do- something that would be as spiritually aligned with who I am as the first part, and something that felt equally honest to me.
So far I have spent only a year searching for the answers and finding my clues. The past year has been like no other because it has rocked my life- with more downs it seems than ups .
Yet within me there is a strange calmness knowing that this is all evolutionary , this is all essential , and from this will emerge more answers.
Even more strangely I am no longer attached to the fact there there has to be a simple answer- or even that there has only to be one answer- I only know that when the moment of choice comes ,I must chose as honestly as possible in that moment, and really that is the only way I can make my own path.