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Is suffering inevitable, avoidable, meaningful, neurotic, or the only path to growth? I'd say it could be any of the above, depending on its origins and how we respond to it.
Some people find meaning in their suffering. They find some purpose in what they are going through and then they experience the
suffering in a much more positive way. This requires a fairly spiritual
outlook on life, a sense that there is more at work than the apparent.
Others make meaning out of their suffering. They choose to use it as an opportunity to learn and grow psychologically, spiritually
or even physically, without any assumption that there is an underlying
purpose in what has happened. For instance, some use it as an
opportunity to develop compassion for others.
The potential to find or make meaning in life is archetypal, and usually adaptive. It helps us to cope with aspects of life that would
otherwise make us terribly depressed or anxious, and the attitude it
carries really does help us to grow.
(One caveat before I continue: There are instances, both social and individual, where it would take extra-ordinary psychological strength to
see suffering as having meaning. And there are instances when it
probably makes no sense to try to find or make meaning. But that isn't
my subject today.)
What concerns me as a psychotherapist is that there are times when suffering may be unwittingly self-imposed and does not lead to
psychological or spiritual growth. In most cases these patterns are
partially the result of long-forgotten strategies to deal with some very
But the patterns of self-imposed suffering that I am about to describe can't be explained solely by painful personal history. For
self-imposed pain to persist it usually needs to masquerade as
meaningful pain. It plugs into the archetypal energy that we usually use
to make meaning out of suffering. It enlists that energy in a recurring
but failed attempt to cope. The potential to find or make meaning from
suffering is a deep, archetypal part of our nature. Without it we would
be a miserable and dysfunctional lot. But that inner potential and
underlying energy can also be hijacked in a misguided effort to
compensate for a sense of inadequacy.
Much of our self-imposed suffering comes from a need to convince ourselves or others that we are good. In a twist of emotional logic, we
develop the idea that if we are suffering, we must be good. Jesus said
that those who suffer for the sake of righteousness are blessed. If we
are insecure about our goodness, we may take this in a way that was
never intended. We may begin to think that if we are suffering we must
be righteous. Then suffering becomes a good thing, a way out of a sense
of inadequacy, and we are primed to see ourselves as suffering, and
perhaps even to invest in creating more suffering.
Further, we may feel that if others see the suffering, they will be convinced that we are good, and then perhaps we can feel good about
ourselves by seeing ourselves through their eyes. You could call this a
martyr complex, but that might dismiss the pattern without understanding
the real suffering that's going on underneath.
Another version of this comes from punishing ourselves in an attempt to make ourselves perform better next time. Even though the strategy
seldom succeeds, we often keep trying.
Some punish themselves believing that they deserve it, hoping that if they punish themselves first, perhaps they can escape the wrath of God
There are different degrees of this investment in, and identification with, suffering. On the simplest level we focus on suffering to the
exclusion of the good things in our lives. Facing suffering is not the
same as remaining fixated on it. Consciously choosing to let go of pain
after becoming aware of it is not the same as trying to ignore it
completely. On other levels we may either passively or actively invite
suffering. On any of these levels suffering can become an end in itself.
These are just a few examples. I am curious whether any of you are aware of other patterns of self-imposed suffering, particularly ones that seem to tap into patterns of energy that are otherwise helpful.
Disengaging from self-imposed suffering requires awareness of our patterns, sorting out which suffering deserves our attention, and which
suffering is best observed and released. It takes courage to acknowledge
such a tendency, but the rewards are worth it. Life provides plenty
enough opportunities to learn and grow from suffering. For most of us
there is no need to create more.
Source : http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gary-trosclair-lcsw/blessed-are-those...